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Christ.
I can't keep playing this game. Especially when I keep losing.
I am NOT living life, I am merely going through the motions.
I am depressed, no two ways about it.
I don't know what happened between high school and now. But something changed.
I am not interested in anything anymore, I don't care about anything. I am overly sensitive and cry at the drop of a dime.
What the hell is going on with me?
I feel as if I am blending into the background and can't seem to pull myself out.
It seems like everyone else is leading an interesting life while I am stuck here. I don't want to live the stereotypically unhappy life. I don't. I don't want to fade out. I want to live my life.
I want to enjoy being with Kevin in LA. I want to enjoy my job and UCLA. I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want to enjoy life. But I can't. All I can do is focus on the negatives and it is so emotionally taxing.
I am so tired. I am done sitting here waiting for something to happen. I know that I have to be productive and do something. I am going to the Ashe Center on Thursday to ask about depression.
All the signs seem to be pointing to the same thing: lack of concentration, trouble focusing, loneliness, hopelessness, aches and pains, irritability, anxiety, etc.
I don't want to deal with this drama anymore.
But I hate having to take pills. I want to stop the smoking at least for awhile.
I need to get out more. I need to start making a life for myself. I need to get out of the apartment.
I miss my family, I miss feeling at home. I miss talking to them and not having to explain myself. I miss feeling loved. It's just not the same here. I am so homesick. I just want to go back home and not worry about anything. I just want to be happy again.
I hate this feeling that I'm settling. And I hate feeling like I am making one huge mistake.
I don't know what id gonna happen or what I want it to happen. It could go either way.
I am still trying to make it work with Kevin, I can't do anything BUT try to make it work. I don't know why he is still here. This is so hard, how can he do it? How can he put up with me? Why does he want to even be with me? We are so different from each other. I don't know if he will ever "get me" or if I will ever fully "get him." A part of me wants to save us both the heartache and call it quits now. Before we get caught up in this game of house.
Honestly, I feel as though Kevin doesn't actually want to be with me and he is only going through this because he thinks he won't find anyone else. I don't want him to settle either though. I want him to be excited to be with me. I want him to be happy. I am having a really hard time getting used to living with him, especially since he treats me like a roommate and not a girlfriend.
We are making all of these plans for when I graduate and getting a new apartment and getting a new car and moving and...I have never worked this hard at life. Why does it have to be so hard?
And then I wonder: what if Kevin wasn't in the picture? I would have never gotten into smoking. I wouldn't have moved out of the dorms. I would be doing better in school. I would have friends. I would be on better terms with my family. I would not be caught up in this drama. I can't blame him, it's not his fault. It's mine. I was way too young. I realize that now.
I hate that after having him here, I am still having doubts. I hate feeling this way. I hate wondering if this is real. I hate feeling like I am settling. I want to appreciate what I have but I can't even do that.
I don't know if Kevin and I are gonna last and that scares me. It's not because I don't want us to be together, I just don't know if we are compatible enough.
I can't keep playing this game. Especially when I keep losing.
I am NOT living life, I am merely going through the motions.
I am depressed, no two ways about it.
I don't know what happened between high school and now. But something changed.
I am not interested in anything anymore, I don't care about anything. I am overly sensitive and cry at the drop of a dime.
What the hell is going on with me?
I feel as if I am blending into the background and can't seem to pull myself out.
It seems like everyone else is leading an interesting life while I am stuck here. I don't want to live the stereotypically unhappy life. I don't. I don't want to fade out. I want to live my life.
I want to enjoy being with Kevin in LA. I want to enjoy my job and UCLA. I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want to enjoy life. But I can't. All I can do is focus on the negatives and it is so emotionally taxing.
I am so tired. I am done sitting here waiting for something to happen. I know that I have to be productive and do something. I am going to the Ashe Center on Thursday to ask about depression.
All the signs seem to be pointing to the same thing: lack of concentration, trouble focusing, loneliness, hopelessness, aches and pains, irritability, anxiety, etc.
I don't want to deal with this drama anymore.
But I hate having to take pills. I want to stop the smoking at least for awhile.
I need to get out more. I need to start making a life for myself. I need to get out of the apartment.
I miss my family, I miss feeling at home. I miss talking to them and not having to explain myself. I miss feeling loved. It's just not the same here. I am so homesick. I just want to go back home and not worry about anything. I just want to be happy again.
I hate this feeling that I'm settling. And I hate feeling like I am making one huge mistake.
I don't know what id gonna happen or what I want it to happen. It could go either way.
I am still trying to make it work with Kevin, I can't do anything BUT try to make it work. I don't know why he is still here. This is so hard, how can he do it? How can he put up with me? Why does he want to even be with me? We are so different from each other. I don't know if he will ever "get me" or if I will ever fully "get him." A part of me wants to save us both the heartache and call it quits now. Before we get caught up in this game of house.
Honestly, I feel as though Kevin doesn't actually want to be with me and he is only going through this because he thinks he won't find anyone else. I don't want him to settle either though. I want him to be excited to be with me. I want him to be happy. I am having a really hard time getting used to living with him, especially since he treats me like a roommate and not a girlfriend.
We are making all of these plans for when I graduate and getting a new apartment and getting a new car and moving and...I have never worked this hard at life. Why does it have to be so hard?
And then I wonder: what if Kevin wasn't in the picture? I would have never gotten into smoking. I wouldn't have moved out of the dorms. I would be doing better in school. I would have friends. I would be on better terms with my family. I would not be caught up in this drama. I can't blame him, it's not his fault. It's mine. I was way too young. I realize that now.
I hate that after having him here, I am still having doubts. I hate feeling this way. I hate wondering if this is real. I hate feeling like I am settling. I want to appreciate what I have but I can't even do that.
I don't know if Kevin and I are gonna last and that scares me. It's not because I don't want us to be together, I just don't know if we are compatible enough.
So it begins: the Golden Era.
I really just needed to put things into perspective.
Kevin: you have been amazingly wonderful these last few months. I know that it hasn't been easy but I appreciate you sticking by me through it all. It means if we have made it through all of this then we can make it through anything.
I have issues. No shit...I admit to it wholeheartedly and I am sure that being a philosophy major doesn't help. I just really to be kept busy.
Jeepers! I have an awesome job, a great loving boyfriend, a supportive family and an education from a very prestigious world renown university. I have no reason to be unhappy. I think that I am just unfulfilled. I need a hobby worth pursuing. Maybe this community service will force me to stop thinking only about me.
This is a good sign :)
I really just needed to put things into perspective.
Kevin: you have been amazingly wonderful these last few months. I know that it hasn't been easy but I appreciate you sticking by me through it all. It means if we have made it through all of this then we can make it through anything.
I have issues. No shit...I admit to it wholeheartedly and I am sure that being a philosophy major doesn't help. I just really to be kept busy.
Jeepers! I have an awesome job, a great loving boyfriend, a supportive family and an education from a very prestigious world renown university. I have no reason to be unhappy. I think that I am just unfulfilled. I need a hobby worth pursuing. Maybe this community service will force me to stop thinking only about me.
This is a good sign :)
And I can't figure out what to do.
I hate having options. I hate having to make decisions.
I hate having to grow up and worry about this shit.
I truly wish that I could be a kid forever.
I don't know what I want out of life and this month has been especially hard for me.
I don't know if its the pills or the weed or the new job or just all of these changes that have happened.
I feel so out of whack, I can't put my finger on it though.
I just feel so unproductive, so sluggish, so unhappy with life.
I am sinking deeper and deeper into this rut of mine. I need something to change. I need to change this.
But I don't know what to do.
I just want to be done with school. Just one less thing to worry about. But I can't help but jump ahead to the loan payments. It was such a huge mistake coming to UCLA. Tuition is going up for Winter and Spring quarter and guess what? That money is gonna come out of MY pocket. I have lost all interest in going to school. How unlike me. I used to LOVE going to school and learning new things. Not anymore. I am afraid of being a washout though. I wanna keep doing new things.
So this is my rough plan: I am gonna graduate this June, I am gonna keep working but also try to get my credentials to teach at the same time. Then, I can get a somewhat decent job teaching wherever I want. Even Santa Cruz.
That's another thing though: I can't seem to let go of my past. I can't. And I am carrying all of this emotional baggage with me that's holding me back from moving forward. I can't shake it loose.
I can't help but compare my life to everyone else's and wonder where I am going wrong...as if my life is somehow wrong for not being just like theirs. I know this isn't the case. I know. My life is pretty friggin sweet, then why can't I come to terms with it?
What the hell am I gonna do with a philosophy degree? Seriously? God, I need someone to just tell me what to do. I am so afraid of screwing up.
I feel like I am running out of time at 21 years old.
Like before I know it, I will be 60 having led a boring life.
I don't want a boring life but I do want a secure life.
I wish that there was someway to just turn off this overly worrying that I do.
I wish that I could be happier.
I think that I suffer from some form of depression or another. This can't be normal. Normal people don't feel like this. If they did, they could go crazy.
I need to make some life-changing decisions within the next year. Decisions that can't be taken back or altered, decisions that will either make me or break me. I'm just so glad that I don't have to do it alone.
First, I need to finish school, no matter what. I have to get that BA, it might not be worth much but it's worth something.
Next, I have to find a secure job. I can imagine doing my job now for awhile. Especially if I pick up some tricks of the trade.
Meanwhile, I have to stay on top of my finances and pay off my loans as quickly as possible.
I hope that Kevin eventually chooses to properly meet my family, because this whole thing is driving me crazy. Kevin's family has already taken me in so I don't see why mine wouldn't.
To tell the truth, it's not necessary for me to teach right away. If we win the lottery, I would love to write and work on my photography and get my pilot's license. There are so many things I want to do: travel, skydive, snorkle, go SCUBA-diving, a whole bunch of crazy things. I want to make my life worth living.
I don't know what I want as a career though and that seems like something that I have to figure out soon.
I could be a chef, a teacher, a poet, a writer, a private pilot, a politician, a lawyer, a vet, a creative designer, a librarian, a photographer, a counselor, a therapist...
What do I choose?
Decisions, decisions.
I know my first goal though. One that has always been on the top of my priority list but keeps getting pushed down: to lose weight. I want to get my ass in shape. But I keep falling back on old habits and laziness. I can't keep playing this game with my body. I think that feeling better about myself will allow me to feel better about life in general. I can at least control my body. It's the only ting I have 100% control over and I am gonna change it.
I want to be happy, genuinely happy. And I think this will help.
I hate having options. I hate having to make decisions.
I hate having to grow up and worry about this shit.
I truly wish that I could be a kid forever.
I don't know what I want out of life and this month has been especially hard for me.
I don't know if its the pills or the weed or the new job or just all of these changes that have happened.
I feel so out of whack, I can't put my finger on it though.
I just feel so unproductive, so sluggish, so unhappy with life.
I am sinking deeper and deeper into this rut of mine. I need something to change. I need to change this.
But I don't know what to do.
I just want to be done with school. Just one less thing to worry about. But I can't help but jump ahead to the loan payments. It was such a huge mistake coming to UCLA. Tuition is going up for Winter and Spring quarter and guess what? That money is gonna come out of MY pocket. I have lost all interest in going to school. How unlike me. I used to LOVE going to school and learning new things. Not anymore. I am afraid of being a washout though. I wanna keep doing new things.
So this is my rough plan: I am gonna graduate this June, I am gonna keep working but also try to get my credentials to teach at the same time. Then, I can get a somewhat decent job teaching wherever I want. Even Santa Cruz.
That's another thing though: I can't seem to let go of my past. I can't. And I am carrying all of this emotional baggage with me that's holding me back from moving forward. I can't shake it loose.
I can't help but compare my life to everyone else's and wonder where I am going wrong...as if my life is somehow wrong for not being just like theirs. I know this isn't the case. I know. My life is pretty friggin sweet, then why can't I come to terms with it?
What the hell am I gonna do with a philosophy degree? Seriously? God, I need someone to just tell me what to do. I am so afraid of screwing up.
I feel like I am running out of time at 21 years old.
Like before I know it, I will be 60 having led a boring life.
I don't want a boring life but I do want a secure life.
I wish that there was someway to just turn off this overly worrying that I do.
I wish that I could be happier.
I think that I suffer from some form of depression or another. This can't be normal. Normal people don't feel like this. If they did, they could go crazy.
I need to make some life-changing decisions within the next year. Decisions that can't be taken back or altered, decisions that will either make me or break me. I'm just so glad that I don't have to do it alone.
First, I need to finish school, no matter what. I have to get that BA, it might not be worth much but it's worth something.
Next, I have to find a secure job. I can imagine doing my job now for awhile. Especially if I pick up some tricks of the trade.
Meanwhile, I have to stay on top of my finances and pay off my loans as quickly as possible.
I hope that Kevin eventually chooses to properly meet my family, because this whole thing is driving me crazy. Kevin's family has already taken me in so I don't see why mine wouldn't.
To tell the truth, it's not necessary for me to teach right away. If we win the lottery, I would love to write and work on my photography and get my pilot's license. There are so many things I want to do: travel, skydive, snorkle, go SCUBA-diving, a whole bunch of crazy things. I want to make my life worth living.
I don't know what I want as a career though and that seems like something that I have to figure out soon.
I could be a chef, a teacher, a poet, a writer, a private pilot, a politician, a lawyer, a vet, a creative designer, a librarian, a photographer, a counselor, a therapist...
What do I choose?
Decisions, decisions.
I know my first goal though. One that has always been on the top of my priority list but keeps getting pushed down: to lose weight. I want to get my ass in shape. But I keep falling back on old habits and laziness. I can't keep playing this game with my body. I think that feeling better about myself will allow me to feel better about life in general. I can at least control my body. It's the only ting I have 100% control over and I am gonna change it.
I want to be happy, genuinely happy. And I think this will help.
You know how sometimes everything just clicks?
A wonderfully rare moment of clarity that seems to take the world's weight off your shoulders.
I have had one of those moments.
And now I have a plan. A rough outline of what I want.
I want to graduate from UCLA, take a year to work and work on getting my credentials to teach or maybe pursue a career with Sugar Paper. Stay in LA for up to 5 years. Try to move to northern CA like Arcata and get a teaching job up there or go back to school and get my masters, maybe aeronautics? I want to save up to work on getting my pilot's license. Just private pilot first then maybe work on commercial. It would be cool to be a pilot. REALLY freaking cool. And just keep at it. Eventually apply to NASA. Then, space here I come.
The average age of astronauts is 34-35. I have some time to get this done.
A wonderfully rare moment of clarity that seems to take the world's weight off your shoulders.
I have had one of those moments.
And now I have a plan. A rough outline of what I want.
I want to graduate from UCLA, take a year to work and work on getting my credentials to teach or maybe pursue a career with Sugar Paper. Stay in LA for up to 5 years. Try to move to northern CA like Arcata and get a teaching job up there or go back to school and get my masters, maybe aeronautics? I want to save up to work on getting my pilot's license. Just private pilot first then maybe work on commercial. It would be cool to be a pilot. REALLY freaking cool. And just keep at it. Eventually apply to NASA. Then, space here I come.
The average age of astronauts is 34-35. I have some time to get this done.
I know that I should be so happy now.
I have a really cool job with some really cool people.
And Kevin just started his new job.
But I am not happy, and I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Maybe it's the fact that I have drawn away from all my friends.
Maybe it's the fact that I have been ignoring my family.
Maybe it's the fact that I don't know what I want out of life and am just making decisions for the hell of it.
Maybe its the fact that I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
I feel like I have a mask on all the time and I can't be myself around anyone.
I can't be me. I am scared of losing myself through all of this hypocrisy.
I feel so alone, even with Kevin here.
I really do love the guy but recently, I find myself not interested, bored, and emotionally detached. I don't get the butterflies or the shivers. There is absolutely NO passion in this relatonship and as much as I bitch and moan about it, its true.
Something has to give. I am still trying to get in shape. I want to get in shape for myself and, yes, for my loved one. But I want to be loved for who I am now not who I could be.
I don't see that with Kevin. I think Kevin knows this deep down, I am sure that he knows how little we have in common. And we are dragging this on not because of our love for each other, but our dependency on each other. He tells me he loves me but he loves the me that is trying so hard to make him happy. And I have sacrificed my own happiness for his. I think that's seriously it.
And I resent him for it, I resent myself for allowing this to happen. And it seems like "well, he have been together for so long now and we live together and we split rent and etc etc" but I don't know how much longer I can last.
I want someone that lights up my world and I light up theirs, I want someone who is ready to share themselves 100% with me, someone I can talk to and hang out with and be best friends with. Someone I can open up with and who will support me. Someone who will make me laugh with stupid jokes and treat me like an equal. Someone who will be interested in what's going on in my life and have a genuine interest in the things I am interested in. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to go watch movies with. Someone that will get along with my family and friends. Someone with little to no baggage. Someone emotionally and intellectually on the same level as me. Someone who is mature, responsible but passionate about life. Someone to bring excitement into my life. Someone ready to give their all into a relationship. Someone happy and carefree. Someone more like me.
And Kevin isn't this person: he's a great guy. He makes me laugh, he treats me ok. But I don't feel the spark. I don't see his involvement in this relationship. It's like he's just here. I don't want a placeholder, I want a boyfriend. He is trying, I know he is. But I don't want to drag this on even more than I already have. I don't know if we can repair this relationship to the level where I want to go. I can't even take it seriously.
Kevin is not mature, he does not act his age. He either acts like a 45-year-old Jewish guy or a 14-year-old black kid.
Gotta admit: we come from different backgrounds. Maybe the differences are just too much to overcome. I can't smoke and drink all the time, I can't live my life inside my apartment. I am giving us till June. After that, it's a whole different ball game.
*Kevin: if you are reading this, I'm sorry. I had to say it. I know I haven't been that forward with you but I can't bring myself to tell you because you end up making me change my mind or we end up arguing about the same stuff. You need to know where I stand in this relationship. I know marriage has been brought up and discussed, but we are obviously not ready for it. And I am not saying that I want to break up with you, because you asked me to trust you and I am willing you give you the benefit of the doubt. I just don't see you changing. And I don't know if I could respect you even if you did change because you wouldn't be Kevin anymore. I just feel that we are trying to make this whole thing work so much that we are forcing our love for each other. I want it to come naturally and while I feel a sense of love for you, I don't know if I am in love with you. I don't see the future like I once did. I want different things out of life than you do. I partially blame myself because I think that I was way too young when we got together that I didn't know what I was getting into. You are a good friend and I hope we will always remain friends, but if things keep going the way way that they have, which I think they will, then maybe it's for the best that we take a break and re-evaluate what we want.
I have a really cool job with some really cool people.
And Kevin just started his new job.
But I am not happy, and I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Maybe it's the fact that I have drawn away from all my friends.
Maybe it's the fact that I have been ignoring my family.
Maybe it's the fact that I don't know what I want out of life and am just making decisions for the hell of it.
Maybe its the fact that I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
I feel like I have a mask on all the time and I can't be myself around anyone.
I can't be me. I am scared of losing myself through all of this hypocrisy.
I feel so alone, even with Kevin here.
I really do love the guy but recently, I find myself not interested, bored, and emotionally detached. I don't get the butterflies or the shivers. There is absolutely NO passion in this relatonship and as much as I bitch and moan about it, its true.
Something has to give. I am still trying to get in shape. I want to get in shape for myself and, yes, for my loved one. But I want to be loved for who I am now not who I could be.
I don't see that with Kevin. I think Kevin knows this deep down, I am sure that he knows how little we have in common. And we are dragging this on not because of our love for each other, but our dependency on each other. He tells me he loves me but he loves the me that is trying so hard to make him happy. And I have sacrificed my own happiness for his. I think that's seriously it.
And I resent him for it, I resent myself for allowing this to happen. And it seems like "well, he have been together for so long now and we live together and we split rent and etc etc" but I don't know how much longer I can last.
I want someone that lights up my world and I light up theirs, I want someone who is ready to share themselves 100% with me, someone I can talk to and hang out with and be best friends with. Someone I can open up with and who will support me. Someone who will make me laugh with stupid jokes and treat me like an equal. Someone who will be interested in what's going on in my life and have a genuine interest in the things I am interested in. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to go watch movies with. Someone that will get along with my family and friends. Someone with little to no baggage. Someone emotionally and intellectually on the same level as me. Someone who is mature, responsible but passionate about life. Someone to bring excitement into my life. Someone ready to give their all into a relationship. Someone happy and carefree. Someone more like me.
And Kevin isn't this person: he's a great guy. He makes me laugh, he treats me ok. But I don't feel the spark. I don't see his involvement in this relationship. It's like he's just here. I don't want a placeholder, I want a boyfriend. He is trying, I know he is. But I don't want to drag this on even more than I already have. I don't know if we can repair this relationship to the level where I want to go. I can't even take it seriously.
Kevin is not mature, he does not act his age. He either acts like a 45-year-old Jewish guy or a 14-year-old black kid.
Gotta admit: we come from different backgrounds. Maybe the differences are just too much to overcome. I can't smoke and drink all the time, I can't live my life inside my apartment. I am giving us till June. After that, it's a whole different ball game.
*Kevin: if you are reading this, I'm sorry. I had to say it. I know I haven't been that forward with you but I can't bring myself to tell you because you end up making me change my mind or we end up arguing about the same stuff. You need to know where I stand in this relationship. I know marriage has been brought up and discussed, but we are obviously not ready for it. And I am not saying that I want to break up with you, because you asked me to trust you and I am willing you give you the benefit of the doubt. I just don't see you changing. And I don't know if I could respect you even if you did change because you wouldn't be Kevin anymore. I just feel that we are trying to make this whole thing work so much that we are forcing our love for each other. I want it to come naturally and while I feel a sense of love for you, I don't know if I am in love with you. I don't see the future like I once did. I want different things out of life than you do. I partially blame myself because I think that I was way too young when we got together that I didn't know what I was getting into. You are a good friend and I hope we will always remain friends, but if things keep going the way way that they have, which I think they will, then maybe it's for the best that we take a break and re-evaluate what we want.
I got a job!
A really cool one at that: production assistant at Sugar Paper.
It's pretty legit. People there are cool and friendly.
Plus, my 21st birthday is coming up! YAY!
Imma head home for Thanksgiving the 28-29 weekend to spend some time with my fam.
Car is semi-fixed: dad and mom drove down 2 weeks ago to take a gander at it and change the tire...too bad I'm going to be help liable for the accident. Shit, insurance premium is going to go up.
I still have to figure out the whole community service thing...argh. just one more thing that I have to worry about.
On top of that, I have 2 more seminars to go to and the surveys that I have to take.
The chicano class is turning out to be more work than its worth.
Oh well, I am so close to graduating! Just this quarter and 2 more.
I am planning on taking a year off and just working to pay some student loans and studying for the GRE and then applying for grad school out west.
I am hoping that a decent score on the GRE gets me a decent scholarship.
Me and Kevin are still working things out: its not easy. But I didn't really expect it to be. He asked me to trust him and give him time. I am trying really hard not to lose interest and keep hanging in there 'cause I know that he is a good guy but this realtionship is slowly wearing me down. I don't know what I want. I am unsure of where this is gonna go but as long as we are happy, I don't care. I just want to be in a steady happy fun relationship with someone that I can get along with who loves me wholeheartedly.
I am taking a step back and just living life right now. Trying really hard not to sweat the small stuff but I hope that I am not getting careless because of this. I feel like I am not meeting the expectations of me. I really need some grown up friends right now. Some people going through the same shit that I am.
I hope that I get to visit CC in Cinci this winter or spring break.
Here's to a good night drinking and smoking!
A really cool one at that: production assistant at Sugar Paper.
It's pretty legit. People there are cool and friendly.
Plus, my 21st birthday is coming up! YAY!
Imma head home for Thanksgiving the 28-29 weekend to spend some time with my fam.
Car is semi-fixed: dad and mom drove down 2 weeks ago to take a gander at it and change the tire...too bad I'm going to be help liable for the accident. Shit, insurance premium is going to go up.
I still have to figure out the whole community service thing...argh. just one more thing that I have to worry about.
On top of that, I have 2 more seminars to go to and the surveys that I have to take.
The chicano class is turning out to be more work than its worth.
Oh well, I am so close to graduating! Just this quarter and 2 more.
I am planning on taking a year off and just working to pay some student loans and studying for the GRE and then applying for grad school out west.
I am hoping that a decent score on the GRE gets me a decent scholarship.
Me and Kevin are still working things out: its not easy. But I didn't really expect it to be. He asked me to trust him and give him time. I am trying really hard not to lose interest and keep hanging in there 'cause I know that he is a good guy but this realtionship is slowly wearing me down. I don't know what I want. I am unsure of where this is gonna go but as long as we are happy, I don't care. I just want to be in a steady happy fun relationship with someone that I can get along with who loves me wholeheartedly.
I am taking a step back and just living life right now. Trying really hard not to sweat the small stuff but I hope that I am not getting careless because of this. I feel like I am not meeting the expectations of me. I really need some grown up friends right now. Some people going through the same shit that I am.
I hope that I get to visit CC in Cinci this winter or spring break.
Here's to a good night drinking and smoking!
Seriously, where are they?
I need some fucking support right now. I am quickly losing my grip on this.
"It will teach you to love what you are afraid of after it takes away everything that you love" so true.
I just need to get my motivation back, my passion, my love. I hate feeling like this all the time. Before it was merely short bouts of depression but it's getting worse. I am merely becoming less drama about it and slipping into a constant melancholy.
I am finding it harder and harder to think of a bright future with everything that has happened as of recently. I am losing touch of who I am.
I am a good person, I know I am. But I am finding it really hard to give a shit about anything right now. I am fading away. Slowly but surely.
This year has NOT been fun.
1. Travis moving in
2. Arrested
3. Losing job
4. Guys not finding jobs
5. Kevin getting scammed
6. Travis moving back to RC
7. Making 3K restitution payment
8. 3 years probation and 30 days community service
9. Car accident/ no car to drive
ARGH! Why is this year sucking so much?! It is really testing me. Testing my relationships with family and friends.
I guess this is part of growing up but I would rather not. I would much rather it always be my freshman year of college.
I miss the carelessness of it all, the lack of responsibilities, the freedom to be young and happy.
Time to suck it up and bust this out!
I need some fucking support right now. I am quickly losing my grip on this.
"It will teach you to love what you are afraid of after it takes away everything that you love" so true.
I just need to get my motivation back, my passion, my love. I hate feeling like this all the time. Before it was merely short bouts of depression but it's getting worse. I am merely becoming less drama about it and slipping into a constant melancholy.
I am finding it harder and harder to think of a bright future with everything that has happened as of recently. I am losing touch of who I am.
I am a good person, I know I am. But I am finding it really hard to give a shit about anything right now. I am fading away. Slowly but surely.
This year has NOT been fun.
1. Travis moving in
2. Arrested
3. Losing job
4. Guys not finding jobs
5. Kevin getting scammed
6. Travis moving back to RC
7. Making 3K restitution payment
8. 3 years probation and 30 days community service
9. Car accident/ no car to drive
ARGH! Why is this year sucking so much?! It is really testing me. Testing my relationships with family and friends.
I guess this is part of growing up but I would rather not. I would much rather it always be my freshman year of college.
I miss the carelessness of it all, the lack of responsibilities, the freedom to be young and happy.
Time to suck it up and bust this out!
Ah, I can kinda breathe now.
Only kinda 'cause if anything I have more things to worry about.
I was sentenced today with 30 days of community service at the Museum of Tolerance and a $160 fine. I also have 3 years of informal probation.
3 years. Meaning this whole thing won't be over til October 2012. But they say the world will end in 2012 so what the hell am I worried for?
I have my interview today at Sugar Paper at 3:00. Gah, I'm nervous.
Plus I have to read that whole book for CS191 and study for my 2 Philosophy midterms on Tuesday.
Life happens. Now I have to deal with it. Imma take this chance to get to business. You never know.
Only kinda 'cause if anything I have more things to worry about.
I was sentenced today with 30 days of community service at the Museum of Tolerance and a $160 fine. I also have 3 years of informal probation.
3 years. Meaning this whole thing won't be over til October 2012. But they say the world will end in 2012 so what the hell am I worried for?
I have my interview today at Sugar Paper at 3:00. Gah, I'm nervous.
Plus I have to read that whole book for CS191 and study for my 2 Philosophy midterms on Tuesday.
Life happens. Now I have to deal with it. Imma take this chance to get to business. You never know.
Sometimes it's not always that easy.
Take right now for example.
Holy water! This is some crap that I am going through. Not like life or death bad but still stressing me out.
It's hard to keep a positive attitude sometimes especially when it is way easier to be a grumpy Gus.
Oh well, I have to count my blessings.
1. I have an awesome boyfriend that loves me for who I am, calls me out on my crap, makes me laugh, is easy to get along with, and is overall extremely supportive.
2. I have a decent family that through it all has never turned its back on me. They have drama but its OUR drama and everyone goes through it not just us.
3. I am going to a world-renown university and studying something truly mind-boggling but so very interesting.
4. I am living life. It's hard but it's worth living. I have a bright future ahead of me and I have learned many a thing from my mistakes.
5. I am almost done with school...in 7 months I will have my BA from UCLA.
See? It's not all THAT bad.
IDK. I tend to focus a lot on the negative things in life an not enough on the good. Jeez, I hate complaining and feeling sorry for myself 'cause it just causes me to start that vicious cycle which I hate.
The biggest concern (read: STRESS) for me right now is money. Why? Because I have no job and bills piling up.
BILLS:
1. Rent -550
2. LAWPD- 67
3. Internet- 36
4. Cell phone- 70
5. Gas- 15
6. BAR- 16
7. UCLA- 1645
SEE??
Hmmm. I might have to bite the bullet on this one and ask Dad for another small loan. Maybe 100 bucks? I have 1,428 in the bank right now. meaning that yeah, I need some money.
Plus I still have to make an appointment at Ashe soon. I need to get a check-up and get a prescription for BC, and make an appointment at the optometrist for new glasses/ contact lenses.
Shiznazz.
On the bright side: Kevin has a very promising job interview today at 3:30 and I really really really hope that he gets it.
I need to apply to more jobs. Otherwise I am gonna go CRAZY being cooped up in the apartment all day. I hate not having money to spend.
So there we go. Let's get 'er done.
Take right now for example.
Holy water! This is some crap that I am going through. Not like life or death bad but still stressing me out.
It's hard to keep a positive attitude sometimes especially when it is way easier to be a grumpy Gus.
Oh well, I have to count my blessings.
1. I have an awesome boyfriend that loves me for who I am, calls me out on my crap, makes me laugh, is easy to get along with, and is overall extremely supportive.
2. I have a decent family that through it all has never turned its back on me. They have drama but its OUR drama and everyone goes through it not just us.
3. I am going to a world-renown university and studying something truly mind-boggling but so very interesting.
4. I am living life. It's hard but it's worth living. I have a bright future ahead of me and I have learned many a thing from my mistakes.
5. I am almost done with school...in 7 months I will have my BA from UCLA.
See? It's not all THAT bad.
IDK. I tend to focus a lot on the negative things in life an not enough on the good. Jeez, I hate complaining and feeling sorry for myself 'cause it just causes me to start that vicious cycle which I hate.
The biggest concern (read: STRESS) for me right now is money. Why? Because I have no job and bills piling up.
BILLS:
1. Rent -550
2. LAWPD- 67
3. Internet- 36
4. Cell phone- 70
5. Gas- 15
6. BAR- 16
7. UCLA- 1645
SEE??
Hmmm. I might have to bite the bullet on this one and ask Dad for another small loan. Maybe 100 bucks? I have 1,428 in the bank right now. meaning that yeah, I need some money.
Plus I still have to make an appointment at Ashe soon. I need to get a check-up and get a prescription for BC, and make an appointment at the optometrist for new glasses/ contact lenses.
Shiznazz.
On the bright side: Kevin has a very promising job interview today at 3:30 and I really really really hope that he gets it.
I need to apply to more jobs. Otherwise I am gonna go CRAZY being cooped up in the apartment all day. I hate not having money to spend.
So there we go. Let's get 'er done.
- Music:The Wave on teh radio
Seriously. I am only happy when I am unhappy.
Otherwise things are going too right for me.
Like this summer. My Christ. I thought shit couldn't get worse and then this summer happened.
*sigh*
I don't know what to do. Should I merely accept is as a part of the real world/growing up/being an adult/ living life?
Fuck, but why?
I am at a very *weird* place in life right now.
I don't feel like...IDK, like this is mine to control anymore. Like I am going through the motions and that the decisions I am making are the wrong ones or are being made for the wrong reasons.
I am finding it hard to breathe. Very hard to breathe.
I am letting this shit get me down and I don't know if I will be able to bounce back from this. Because I don't know how much "me" is left.
Family. Friends. Money. Love. School
It's all so hard to juggle. I was not ready for this. Not at all. I did not plan for all of this. Maybe that's it.
I am just not ready.
But I FEEL ready. I guess that I am just not where I thought I would be right now in life.
Where did I think that I would be? In college. Check. So why am I not enjoying this like I should?
I kinda feel weighed down by all of this responsibility. I guess I am growing up. I just wasn't expecting it to be like this.
I guess I expected to go out more and have more friends and like the city more and IDK...have fun.
I have only put a damper on this myself. I could easily be more outgoing. I could easily be who I want to be but I still don't act on it.
I'm scared of change/ changing.
I just want things to stay the same.
I want things to be traditionally contemporary.
I have no fucking clue what I want from life.
Otherwise things are going too right for me.
Like this summer. My Christ. I thought shit couldn't get worse and then this summer happened.
*sigh*
I don't know what to do. Should I merely accept is as a part of the real world/growing up/being an adult/ living life?
Fuck, but why?
I am at a very *weird* place in life right now.
I don't feel like...IDK, like this is mine to control anymore. Like I am going through the motions and that the decisions I am making are the wrong ones or are being made for the wrong reasons.
I am finding it hard to breathe. Very hard to breathe.
I am letting this shit get me down and I don't know if I will be able to bounce back from this. Because I don't know how much "me" is left.
Family. Friends. Money. Love. School
It's all so hard to juggle. I was not ready for this. Not at all. I did not plan for all of this. Maybe that's it.
I am just not ready.
But I FEEL ready. I guess that I am just not where I thought I would be right now in life.
Where did I think that I would be? In college. Check. So why am I not enjoying this like I should?
I kinda feel weighed down by all of this responsibility. I guess I am growing up. I just wasn't expecting it to be like this.
I guess I expected to go out more and have more friends and like the city more and IDK...have fun.
I have only put a damper on this myself. I could easily be more outgoing. I could easily be who I want to be but I still don't act on it.
I'm scared of change/ changing.
I just want things to stay the same.
I want things to be traditionally contemporary.
I have no fucking clue what I want from life.
By that logic alone, it is to mean that given enough time, everything can come to occur.
Right?
I sure as hell hope so. 'Cause if not, I am fucked.
I keep holding on to the hope that one day, one day, I will be able to achieve everything that I have been working towards.
But what exactly have I been so diligently working towards? Material goods? Happiness? Love? A sense of completeness? Money?
Yes. To an extent all of these things.
I am on the right track: I have found love. Kevin. God, how weird but this is the guy that I am gonna marry no other way about it. This is the real thing.
Sure, I question it, but isn't that the healthy thing to do in this situation? To test love by questioning it is to strengthen it for it is a relationship and not a one sided faith-based concept. And I know for a fact that Kevin is in love with me.
It hasn't been easy. That's for sure, but it's OK. We are OK. We are where we need to be right now. We have come a long way but we have an even longer way to go and more than anything we need to be sure of our love for each other. Things are gonna be tough, and I am sure that neither one wants to go through it alone.
We are growing up, and we have the real world to face now, with real world problems. Like paying rent and paying bills and finding work and being healthy and happy. But we are doing it together and I am so glad we are.
I mean, what do I expect from life? What do I expect from my life with Kevin?
Lots. Seriously. I expect to live life to its fullest. I want to enjoy my young adult years with no one else but Kevin. I want the working out, I want the camping, I want the cuddling, I want the wake 'n' bakes, I want the endless nights spent in a drunken stupor watching the Simpsons. I want the house in Michigan with a big backyard bordered by trees and the kids and the dogs and cat and the car and the cool awesome teaching job and the countless hours hanging out at the Lake.
I guess a milestone will be moving out to Michigan which I really really really hopes happens sooner rather than later because I need to get away from the city. It's not so much that I hate it here but I have grown tired of the hustle and bustle. I feel ready to settle down...nay, I am ready to settle down. I know I'm young but why not?
Maybe sometimes I do feel like, hey, I am way too young but I'm mature for my age. I feel a bit like an old soul. This will be OK if I make it OK. And I just want to spend the most time doing the things I love. Everything I love.
I guess more than anything, I wish that I were financially free to do whatever I want to do. I wanna travel and meets lots of people and take lots of pictures and make memories. I don't want to lead a dull life. But I do want a quiet life with a family. I want to be financially stable. After that, everything will fall into place.
I guess right now I am limited by myself and only myself. Well, partially my family but that only goes so far. I can only blame them for so much. And they have been getting better I guess. In the long run they have come a long way but still. the way that I was raised was taken its toll on me.
I wish things were easier. I wish I were a beautiful rich heiress with a picture-perfect family and had everything taken care of with the only thing to contemplate would be how to spend my free time. Yet again, would that take away my sense of purpose? Oh no, there's the philosophy seeping through. Argh.
I just need to get back on track and stay on track in school and from there everything will work itself out.
Everything is eventual after all.
Right?
I sure as hell hope so. 'Cause if not, I am fucked.
I keep holding on to the hope that one day, one day, I will be able to achieve everything that I have been working towards.
But what exactly have I been so diligently working towards? Material goods? Happiness? Love? A sense of completeness? Money?
Yes. To an extent all of these things.
I am on the right track: I have found love. Kevin. God, how weird but this is the guy that I am gonna marry no other way about it. This is the real thing.
Sure, I question it, but isn't that the healthy thing to do in this situation? To test love by questioning it is to strengthen it for it is a relationship and not a one sided faith-based concept. And I know for a fact that Kevin is in love with me.
It hasn't been easy. That's for sure, but it's OK. We are OK. We are where we need to be right now. We have come a long way but we have an even longer way to go and more than anything we need to be sure of our love for each other. Things are gonna be tough, and I am sure that neither one wants to go through it alone.
We are growing up, and we have the real world to face now, with real world problems. Like paying rent and paying bills and finding work and being healthy and happy. But we are doing it together and I am so glad we are.
I mean, what do I expect from life? What do I expect from my life with Kevin?
Lots. Seriously. I expect to live life to its fullest. I want to enjoy my young adult years with no one else but Kevin. I want the working out, I want the camping, I want the cuddling, I want the wake 'n' bakes, I want the endless nights spent in a drunken stupor watching the Simpsons. I want the house in Michigan with a big backyard bordered by trees and the kids and the dogs and cat and the car and the cool awesome teaching job and the countless hours hanging out at the Lake.
I guess a milestone will be moving out to Michigan which I really really really hopes happens sooner rather than later because I need to get away from the city. It's not so much that I hate it here but I have grown tired of the hustle and bustle. I feel ready to settle down...nay, I am ready to settle down. I know I'm young but why not?
Maybe sometimes I do feel like, hey, I am way too young but I'm mature for my age. I feel a bit like an old soul. This will be OK if I make it OK. And I just want to spend the most time doing the things I love. Everything I love.
I guess more than anything, I wish that I were financially free to do whatever I want to do. I wanna travel and meets lots of people and take lots of pictures and make memories. I don't want to lead a dull life. But I do want a quiet life with a family. I want to be financially stable. After that, everything will fall into place.
I guess right now I am limited by myself and only myself. Well, partially my family but that only goes so far. I can only blame them for so much. And they have been getting better I guess. In the long run they have come a long way but still. the way that I was raised was taken its toll on me.
I wish things were easier. I wish I were a beautiful rich heiress with a picture-perfect family and had everything taken care of with the only thing to contemplate would be how to spend my free time. Yet again, would that take away my sense of purpose? Oh no, there's the philosophy seeping through. Argh.
I just need to get back on track and stay on track in school and from there everything will work itself out.
Everything is eventual after all.
I had class Thurs. but got my discussions confused so I skipped the wrong one. UGH.
Fuck it.
I need to really think this through.
I realized that I want to be a teacher although the Commission tends to frown on misdemeanors. Oh well. Just ONE more obstacle to hurdle over.
I need to graduate by June 2010. no ifs and/or buts.
I need to get a job at a local school to get some experience and I need to take the CBEST and one more subject test.
Not bad.
Then I can teach. Sweet gig.
I get summers off and lots of perks and benefits. Plus I get to teach kids cool shit. And go on field trips! Fuck yeah.
If not I wouldn't mind being like a librarian or something like that. Preferably a teacher. Just a chill job that gives me plenty of time to myself.
Plus, I can have a guaranteed job anywhere close to a school. Even Northern Michigan.
Don't know why but I LOVE it up there. Everything about it....nature, clean air, lakes, weather (well we will see during the cold winters), people....
I just hope that it ends up happening. Seriously.
That would make all of this worthwhile.
Gotta stay motivated. Go to class, work out, find a job, and graduate.
And eventually get the Boy to pop the question*
*No pressure, Captain!
Fuck it.
I need to really think this through.
I realized that I want to be a teacher although the Commission tends to frown on misdemeanors. Oh well. Just ONE more obstacle to hurdle over.
I need to graduate by June 2010. no ifs and/or buts.
I need to get a job at a local school to get some experience and I need to take the CBEST and one more subject test.
Not bad.
Then I can teach. Sweet gig.
I get summers off and lots of perks and benefits. Plus I get to teach kids cool shit. And go on field trips! Fuck yeah.
If not I wouldn't mind being like a librarian or something like that. Preferably a teacher. Just a chill job that gives me plenty of time to myself.
Plus, I can have a guaranteed job anywhere close to a school. Even Northern Michigan.
Don't know why but I LOVE it up there. Everything about it....nature, clean air, lakes, weather (well we will see during the cold winters), people....
I just hope that it ends up happening. Seriously.
That would make all of this worthwhile.
Gotta stay motivated. Go to class, work out, find a job, and graduate.
And eventually get the Boy to pop the question*
*No pressure, Captain!
Or maybe purgatory depending on which crazy batshit lizardshit religion weekly newsletter you subscribe to.
Either way, life is not all peaches 'n' cream for me right now.
Convo with Mom last night sucked. And it sucked for a few reasons which I will discuss at length below.
Firstly, I feel as though she is so fucking disappointed in me. Disappointed that I couldn't be more like my sister. That I don't want to keep going to college after I get my BA. That I struggled through college. That I want to be a teacher and not a great successful professional. That I want to take it easy. That in her eyes, I have been measured and have been found lacking.
And what's worse, is that I semi-understand where she is coming from. I do. Because I have always been compared to my sister my whole life. And I still am. What I don't understand though is whether I am happy doing this.
I shouldn't have to question this. This brings me to the next topic at hand: Am I happy?
I don't know. I don't know what happy is. I don't know whether I am even making decisions anymore. I am just going with the flow at this point. Maybe I should be more proactive in my life. Maybe I should stop letting emotion decide everything for me and try to stay level headed. I don't know what I want out of life. I am trying to find that out now.
It's hard though. Especially with Kevin.
Le sigh. Kevin...
I don't know. I know he is gonna read this eventually. Maybe today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, I don't know, but he will read it and he will know. He of all people have to know, need to know.
He is in this as much as I am. And I worry that like me, he might not be 100% fulfilled or happy. Being content is one thing, but happy? Shit, when you are truly happy nothing can shake your foundation and nothing can make you go from a-OK to sobbing under the covers.
The thing with Kevin is that I don't know him. And yeah, he moved out here to California but as he has said, NOT just to be with me, but because it was better for him in terms of finding a job. And look at where he is. In debt. Because of me. Because I think that he kinda blames me. Because he regrets coming out here. Because he honestly deep-down in his heart knows that he does not love me. He is merely going through the motions. He is lying to himself and to me.
And I want to believe him. I really really really do. But then I wonder, are we merely doing this outta convenience or are we gonna last? I shouldn't be having these thoughts if this was right. We talk about marriage and kids and a future together but we also talk about how much easier a future is with someone else. I don't want to be a convenience, I want to be a necessity.
That's why I am doing this whole "get in shape" deal. I want him to WANT me and miss me and love me and treat me right. Because at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder if he would treat me better if I were more attractive and more like him. But again, do I want to change? There is a reason why I am the way I am. And I have been like this for 20 years. And we are both trying to change each other. I want him to like my music and movies and dress a certain way and look a certain way and act and talk a certain way but then he wouldn't be Kevin. And I like hanging out with Kevin. He makes me laugh. But I don't find myself connecting to him on an emotional deep level. Maybe we are too different to be anything more than friends. Maybe friends with benefits?
This whole thing makes me wonder if I am settling. But I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
Wish me luck.
Either way, life is not all peaches 'n' cream for me right now.
Convo with Mom last night sucked. And it sucked for a few reasons which I will discuss at length below.
Firstly, I feel as though she is so fucking disappointed in me. Disappointed that I couldn't be more like my sister. That I don't want to keep going to college after I get my BA. That I struggled through college. That I want to be a teacher and not a great successful professional. That I want to take it easy. That in her eyes, I have been measured and have been found lacking.
And what's worse, is that I semi-understand where she is coming from. I do. Because I have always been compared to my sister my whole life. And I still am. What I don't understand though is whether I am happy doing this.
I shouldn't have to question this. This brings me to the next topic at hand: Am I happy?
I don't know. I don't know what happy is. I don't know whether I am even making decisions anymore. I am just going with the flow at this point. Maybe I should be more proactive in my life. Maybe I should stop letting emotion decide everything for me and try to stay level headed. I don't know what I want out of life. I am trying to find that out now.
It's hard though. Especially with Kevin.
Le sigh. Kevin...
I don't know. I know he is gonna read this eventually. Maybe today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, I don't know, but he will read it and he will know. He of all people have to know, need to know.
He is in this as much as I am. And I worry that like me, he might not be 100% fulfilled or happy. Being content is one thing, but happy? Shit, when you are truly happy nothing can shake your foundation and nothing can make you go from a-OK to sobbing under the covers.
The thing with Kevin is that I don't know him. And yeah, he moved out here to California but as he has said, NOT just to be with me, but because it was better for him in terms of finding a job. And look at where he is. In debt. Because of me. Because I think that he kinda blames me. Because he regrets coming out here. Because he honestly deep-down in his heart knows that he does not love me. He is merely going through the motions. He is lying to himself and to me.
And I want to believe him. I really really really do. But then I wonder, are we merely doing this outta convenience or are we gonna last? I shouldn't be having these thoughts if this was right. We talk about marriage and kids and a future together but we also talk about how much easier a future is with someone else. I don't want to be a convenience, I want to be a necessity.
That's why I am doing this whole "get in shape" deal. I want him to WANT me and miss me and love me and treat me right. Because at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder if he would treat me better if I were more attractive and more like him. But again, do I want to change? There is a reason why I am the way I am. And I have been like this for 20 years. And we are both trying to change each other. I want him to like my music and movies and dress a certain way and look a certain way and act and talk a certain way but then he wouldn't be Kevin. And I like hanging out with Kevin. He makes me laugh. But I don't find myself connecting to him on an emotional deep level. Maybe we are too different to be anything more than friends. Maybe friends with benefits?
This whole thing makes me wonder if I am settling. But I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
Wish me luck.
Court is always a bitch but at least I am getting a slap on the proverbial wrist for the shit I pulled.
Offense is getting reduced to misdeamenor if I pay full restitution by Oct. 23.
I have to pay $2,000 by today.
Fuck, and still waiting for scholarship check.
Seriously. What the fuck??
It has never taken so long before. God, I don't want to borrow MORE money from Kevin.
I will owe him 2,500 before the day is over. Damn.
But at least I know that I will be able to pay him back.
I have to call Chet up and ask how I am supposed to make the payment.
I might get some community service and probation, but whatever. I can deal with that shit easy.
More waiting.
Offense is getting reduced to misdeamenor if I pay full restitution by Oct. 23.
I have to pay $2,000 by today.
Fuck, and still waiting for scholarship check.
Seriously. What the fuck??
It has never taken so long before. God, I don't want to borrow MORE money from Kevin.
I will owe him 2,500 before the day is over. Damn.
But at least I know that I will be able to pay him back.
I have to call Chet up and ask how I am supposed to make the payment.
I might get some community service and probation, but whatever. I can deal with that shit easy.
More waiting.
Called the Store, spoke to Chet.
He told me that he can't do anything until the court proceedings are finished.
So now I wait.
I wait for the scholarship check, for rent check to be cashed, court to be over, payments to start, and for school to begin.
Fun fucking times.
Let's hope I break even.
He told me that he can't do anything until the court proceedings are finished.
So now I wait.
I wait for the scholarship check, for rent check to be cashed, court to be over, payments to start, and for school to begin.
Fun fucking times.
Let's hope I break even.
Damn if I know.
It almost feels as if I have lost complete control of my life.
I am merely going through the motions now.
I don't want much.
I just want to be happy and comfortable.
That's all.
Is that too much to ask for?
I live half my days in a daze just waiting for the next day to come and go.
That's not really living though, is it?
It almost feels as if I have lost complete control of my life.
I am merely going through the motions now.
I don't want much.
I just want to be happy and comfortable.
That's all.
Is that too much to ask for?
I live half my days in a daze just waiting for the next day to come and go.
That's not really living though, is it?
Alright here's the shizznizzle that I need to take care of within the next 2-3 weeks
1. get 1K scholarship money check
2. pay rent (550)
3. pay electric bill (190)
4. pay internet bill
5. pay Kevin (500)
6. make 2K payment
7. go to court
8. get a job
9. work out hardcore
Yeah, i know it doesn't seem like much but it is.
Alot of money.
Kris has been wanting to hang out and I want to as well but I am broke and I can't go out like I used to.
Plus, I am sure that she is going to be asking alot of questions that I would much rather NOT answer right now.
It's so hard to keep a positive attitude when there is so much bringing me down right now.
1. get 1K scholarship money check
2. pay rent (550)
3. pay electric bill (190)
4. pay internet bill
5. pay Kevin (500)
6. make 2K payment
7. go to court
8. get a job
9. work out hardcore
Yeah, i know it doesn't seem like much but it is.
Alot of money.
Kris has been wanting to hang out and I want to as well but I am broke and I can't go out like I used to.
Plus, I am sure that she is going to be asking alot of questions that I would much rather NOT answer right now.
It's so hard to keep a positive attitude when there is so much bringing me down right now.
cause right about now I could use a good friend.
I have drawn away from the only people that I could call friends...Kris, Helen, Liz, Kathy, Gindy, Omo...
They are living their own lives and I am remembered only in passing, a mere memory.
I feel so alone sometimes, like I have no one left to talk to, who will really listen.
I can't demand that from Kevin, I can't be so selfish as to make him take on the burden of my drama.
But after years of taking on other people's burden and problems I feel so weighed down by mine...like I will never free myself from them.
Of course, that's being overly dramatic but that's how I feel. And I haven't had time to dwell on it, which is usually how I get over this shit. I just need to do something completely new and different.
Something life-changing.
I think losing weight and getting in shape will be the catharsis that I need, like I can actually accomplish something if I want to bad enough.
Plus, having Kevin do this with me will make it easier.
I hate disappointing him. And he has made it clear that I would be much more attractive to him if I started working out and lost weight.
That's all I needed for motivation. Thanks, babe. Let's do this right.
Is that why he has been drawing away from me, or have I been drawing away from him?
I wish that Rogers City lasted all year long. That place settled my soul in a way that no other place has. I would be very happy to call that place home.
I just need some peace of mind.
but I can't get over this jealousy.
I know it isn't attractive...I had to deal with it with Justin.
But I can't hep it.
Seeing her made it more tangible.
Now I know for sure what I am up against, what I am being compared to.
She isn't as pretty as I thought she would be but she isn't ugly.
I can see why he would like her, she is attractive.
And then I wonder why he is with ME.
I am not like her in the least.
Because of my personality?
Ha, doubt it. I don't understand why he puts up with my shit.
I try to be understanding, but it sucks when he tells me that that she still affects him even to this day.
How am I supposed to react to that?
I try to keep a lighthearted mood but this jealousy gets the best of me.
Seeing her on facebook made it that much harder to get over it. It's so easy to look at her picture and hate her.
I hate her because he was in love with her. And he admits it. Even if it was for the wrong reasons and I can't help but wonder if he will ever be in love with me as he was with her...I want him to desire me as he did her but I don't see that happening.
I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I am gonna bust my ass to become someone that he wants to show off. I want to help him get over her. I want to be the hot girlfriend. I have the motivation I just need to execute it.
Let's get this shit going.
I thought I had this all under control but what I realize is that I can't control everything.
The one thing that I can control I am not willing to stick to.
The one thing that I can control I am not willing to stick to.
I am so lost right now.
I though that I wanted this but I don't.
I don't know what I want.
I want him. I have him. Then why am I so scared to lose him?
Is it so hard to believe that he loves me?
Is it even worth our time to make all of these plans?
Is that what he really wants? Is he really happy?
God, I don't know. And not knowing is scarier than knowing.
I don't know what to expect.
Am I the Todd to his Wendy?
Is that what is in store for us?
I'm scared that he will find someone who he gets along with better, someone prettier, someone who makes him happy, someone more like him, someone who won't bitch at him, someone as non-drama as he is.
And I'm scared that if it does happen that he will leave me and I will end up alone with a broken heart.
I took a huge leap of faith with him and he did the same but being back here on his turf he turns into such a different person. A good person but a much different one that I have known for these last 2 years.
I don't want him to base our future on the maybes and the fact that his parents like me. I want him to need to be with me. I want him to completely love me to the point where he can't bear to be without me. Because that's how much I love him.
And I hate to disappoint him. I hate to see him unhappy with me.
I want to be the Alicia to his Gabe.
I want to settle down here. I want the house, the kids, the pets, the car, the LIFE.
I want that lifestyle. I want it with him.
Its hard to say that this is what I want at such a young age but its hard to say no to happiness.
I hate to have him calling to check up on me while he is out having fun. I hate to keep him from his family and friends but I am selfish in that case. It is the only thing that I am truly selfish in: relationships. I want people to myself. I want him to myself.
I am so ready for the life but I don't know if he is. I don't know if he is merely going along with me just to make me happy or whether it is something that he actually wants for himself.
This is the crossroads. This is that moment that 20-30 years you look back on and wonder what if? What if this is the wrong thing for me? what if if it the right thing but I don't act on it?
This is gonna affect my whole life. He is my life. No doubt about it.
I just hope this turns out ok.
UPDATE: He called me. And he made it all better. And I can't help but fall in love with him all over again. He said that he would much rather be here with me than at the Tent. That he just wants me to feel better. God, I love him.
